Media type: LP
Title: Various
Author(s): Various
Publisher: Various
Year: 1968-1987

I just ordered a copy of The Art of Noise’s first album off of Discogs, and looking at the sleeve art, I’m forced to ponder the recurring theme of drama masks on album covers. Sure, they’re all over the place on opera discs or anything having to do with the city of Venice, but they’re also all over the place on more modern albums as well.

It’s such a silly little meme of an image, so cliche and tired and meaningless in a clip art kind of way. But, on the other hand, if I push my jadesness and cynicism off to the side for just a minute, I think I actually kind of like them. I was thinking recently that European clowns are...maybe not “cool”, but they’ve got something going on aesthetically, whereas North American clowns are the hobo bozo garbage for which I’ve got no time. These drama masks feel European-clown-adjacent, so that means I have to reckon with them, apparently.

Selected for the approval of the...drama mask society...?, I call this blog post, “5 horrible albums, and The Art of Noise”.

The Manhattan Transfer - Mecca For Moderns

This is easily the most horrifying of the covers, something very fleshy and Hellraiser-y going on there with the ribbons of flesh spelling out the band name. The music is also horrible, but not in a fun way. It’s all the worst theatre kid bullshit, doo-wop Grease rip-offs, Mike Love’s regressive Beach Boys style, Weekend at Bernies 2 -level reggae nonsense, quotes of the James Bond theme...I just absolutely hate this.

Mötley Crüe - Theatre of Pain

Mötley Crüe is a contender for my most hated band of all time, but boy, after that Manhattan Transfer album, this sounds great by comparison.

Actually, scratch that, this feels like goofy-voiced musical theatre Grease shit too, on Smokin’ in the boys room. God, I hate this. There’s harmonica? I hate harmonica enough in music where it “makes sense”, why on earth is Vince Neil honkin’ on bobo or whatever this is? All of this Sunset Strip Canter’s glam debauchery “metal” represents everything I hate about music, about the city I’m from, about men in particular, about mankind in general.

I’m not sure how the theatre masks relate to whatever’s going on musically, but the Crüe seemed like a random assemblage of empty symbols anyway, so I guess it’s as superficial and tacky as anything else they had going on.

Manfred Mann - Masque (Songs and Planets)

Finally, something I don’t totally hate!

Oh no, more harmonica. Yeah, never mind, this sucks too. The cover’s pretty good though. Much more tasteful than the Crüe and Manhattan Transfer ones, with an air of sadness and minimalist mystery I appreciate. Now, none of that comes across in the music on any level, but divorced from those sonic realities, I can hang with the cover art.

Steinwolke - Milionenmal

So far, this is the best music here, but it’s still pretty limp-dicked B-tier Neue Deutsche Welle cheese. But it at least sounds relatively close to something I’d like, and with as dismal a bunch as these, that pushes it right up to the top of the pile.

The cover is also fantastic, hence my including both sides of the gatefold. Horrifying airbrush van art meets the Edgar Allan Poe episode of the Beetlejuice cartoon. Chef’s kiss.

Patrick Sky - Reality Is Bad Enough

The pessimistic title appeals to the Ligotti fan in me, but god, this music is bad. It’s Randy Newman / pre-psychotic Tom Waits oompah junk mixed with generic American folky waste. Bob Dylan impressions abound.

The cover’s...alright. At this point, I’m exhausted by my stupid exercise and don’t have much more to say than that. It’s fine.

The Art of Noise - Who’s Afraid

Well, this is the only good album on this list, music-wise, though the art’s a bit dull, when seen in the shadow of that amazing Steinwolke cover. But the most important thing is that The Art of Noise were “an actually good band”, and the theatre masks here remind me most of the creepy masks from Super Mario Bros. 2, which is a fun connection.

おめでとう